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Yo mama is so old...

Cumming — Thu, 08 May 2008 11:30:16 CDT

your momma is so old she deliverd jesus

yo momma so old she heard thunder and she thought it was someone makeing popcorn.
Yo mama's so old, she farts dust.

Yo mama's is so old, when god said let there be light she flipped the switch.

Yo mama's so old, she got her drivers license on a dinosaur

Yo mama's so old, she owes Jesus 3 bucks

your mama is so old I found a fossil of her hair when I went to Death Valley in search of dinosaurs.

yo mama is so fat...

Cumming — Thu, 08 May 2008 11:28:43 CDT

Yo mama is so fat she went into a resturant and when she left she charged by police for stealing 5 hams but it was her boobs.

Yo mama is so fat, her tumors get lost in the dark, sweaty abyss of her stomach.

Yo mama is so fat, she has more rolls then the Michelin man.

Yo mama is so fat, when she went to Japan, everone thought she was godzilla.

Yo mama is so fat, people need a map just to go around her.

Your mom is so fat, when she has sex, she has to give directions.

Yo mama's so fat, when she dances she makes the band skip. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Yo mama's so fat, China keeps shouting for her to "stop stomping around up there."

Yo mama's so fat, Chris Rock couldn't even think of a mama joke!

Yo mama's so fat, her fingers have cottage cheese.

Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it!

Yo mama's so fat. when she backs up all you here is meep, meep, meep.

Your mama's so fat she sleeps in the garage and parks the van on her bed.

Yo mama's so fat, Cal Tech had to adjust their sensors so they didn't detect an earthquake everytime she got off the couch.

Yo mama so fat, when you slap her leg you can ride the wave.

Yo mama so fat she walked into a store wearing high heels and she came out wearing flip flops!!

Yo mamma so fat she has stretch marks on her toes!

Yo mamma so fat she puts mayonaise on her diet pills!

Yo mamma's so fat her feet never get wet when she takes a shower!

Yo mamma's so fat she is the only person I know that can play hide and go seek with her bellybutton!

Yo momma's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.

Yo momma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.

Yo momma's so fat, the National Weather Service names each one of her farts.

Yo momma's so fat when she walked down the beach the whales popped up and started singin "We are family."

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side!

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama's is so fat, she wore guess jeans and the answer popped out.

Yo mama's so fat she has more rolls then the town’s bakery.

Yo mama's so fat, the only way to get her out of a telephone booth is to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie in the street.

Yo mama's is so fat she drives a spandex car

Yo mama's is so fat that when god said," Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ass out the way first!

Yo mama's so fat, she put on a Malcolm X T-shirt and a helicopter tried to land on her

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles came out.

Yo mama's so fat that the last time she saw 90210 was on the scales

Yo' mama's so fat, she wears two watches -- one for each time zone!

Yo mama's so fat she needs one barstool for each butt cheek

Yo mama's so fat, she got Baptized at sea world.

Yo mama's so fat, God couldn't even lift her spirits!

Yo mama's so fat she sweats mayonnaise!

Yo mama's so big, her belly button has an echo.

Yo mama's so fat, she held up her stockings with hula-hoops.

Yo mama's so fat, she wore a red sweater and all of the kids pointed at her and said, "Kool-Aid Man!!!!".

Yo mama's so fat, she went outside in a yellow raincoat and people yelled taxi.

Yo mama's so fat, when she wears her "B.V.D."s they spell boulevard!

Yo mama's so fat, that she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

Yo mama's so fat that this town really ISN'T big enough for the both of us

Yo mama's so fat, she has smaller fat women orbiting around her!

Yo mama's so fat, Christopher Columbus claimed her as the new world.

Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu

Yo mama's so fat, after she gets through turning around, they throw her a welcome back party

Yo mama's so fat, she don't take pictures, she takes posters

Yo mama's belt size is the titled the "Equator"

Yo mama's so fat, her baby pictures were taken by satellite

Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change radio stations.

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a dollar and made it four quarters.

Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fits all" to "One size fits most"

Yo mama's so fat, after she got off the carousel, the horse limped for a week.

Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"

Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.

Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks.

Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."

Yo mama's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen.

Yo mama's so fat, she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number.

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Get the f*** off."

Yo mama's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 she was on a scale.

Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store is the dressing rooms.

Yo mama's so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig is the door.

Yo mamma so fat, she crushed a bridge when she tripped! Oh!

Yo mama is so ugly....

Cumming — Thu, 08 May 2008 11:25:03 CDT

yo mama's so ugly she made an onion cry

yo mama's so ugly she entered an ugly contest and they said 'sorry no proffecionals

yo mama is so ugly she makes my eyes bleed.

Joke Central

Wild-Kat — Wed, 07 May 2008 11:56:03 CDT

Need a Good Laugh?

You've come to the right place: Joke Central. This joke-opedia is packed with some of the funniest jokes ever. But best of all, you can leave it a funnier place than you found it just by clicking the easy edit button and sharing a laugh.

Chuck Norris Jokes

According to Chuck Norris, these are the only jokes that you'll ever need. Take a read of the best Chuck Norris jokes ever!

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take s*#! from anybody.

Jokes by Comedians

Learn from the comedic masters. Jot down notes, people-- funny is their job.

Chris Rock Jokes

Dane Cook Jokes
Dennis Miller Jokes
Jerry Seinfeld Jokes
George Carlin Jokes
Mitch Hedberg Jokes
Jack Handey Jokes
Steven Wright Jokes

Johnny Carson Jokes
Gilbert Gottfried Jokes
Henny Youngman Jokes
Rita Rudner Jokes
Jon Stewart Jokes
George Burns Jokes
Rodney Dangerfield Jokes
David Letterman Jokes

Sexist Jokes

Speaking of Chuck Norris, have you checked out the sexist jokes page? The battle of the sexes is on!

Yo Mama Jokes

"Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died."

Read 'em and weep, mama!

**The yo' mama section needs more yo' mama jokes**

Political Jokes

Heard the one about the senator? Yes? Then please add it to these jokes about history and politics.

Blonde Jokes

The answer on a Blonde's Geometry test.

Read and add to>> Blonde Jokes

Jokes about Death

Journey into the great beyond with a sense of humor.

WANTED>> More jokes about death

Jokes for Kids

Learn some jokes to win points with the kids. Keep it clean, people!

Go to>> Jokes for Kids

Jokes about Race and Nationality

Raymundo.L. — Tue, 06 May 2008 09:00:10 CDT

Native Americans say that gambling has not affected their culture. I heard that directly from Chief Double Down. (Buzz Nutley)

Jokes about the Brits

Why don't the British make a computer? They haven't figured out how to make it leak oil yet.

Indian Jokes

What is the difference between dog road kill and Indian road kill?
There are skid marks before the dog.

French Jokes

There are so many different reasons to laugh at the French, we had to create a whole page for them: French Jokes

Irish Jokes

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes, "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat." (Unknown)

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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
"I'm from Dublin, I am."
"Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town," the second guy says.
"Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Latino Jokes

Theres a plane about to crash because of the weight and there are 3 people on the plane, a Mexican, a White person, and a French. The French person threw out limes, the Mexican threw out just plain old beans, and the White person threw out the Mexican.

It takes Latinos nine hours to play golf. Four hours for 18 holes and five hours to do the lawn. (George Lopez)

A Mexican, a German, and an American are on a plane. the plane runs out of fuel. the Mexican Jumps out of the Air Plane, the German Jumps out with a Parachutte, and the Amarican walks off the Plane because is is on the ground. (Ed Peterson)

Man 1: Did you hear about the two car crash on Maple Street?
Man 2: No, what happened?
Man 1: 40 mexicans died.

Q: A rich mexican, a poor mexican, Santa, and the easter bunny are each in a corner of a room, and a dollar is in the middle. Who gets it?
A: The poor mexican, the other three don't exist.

How do you kill half the population of mexico?
Throw a penny off a cliff.
How do you kill the other half?
Tell them its still down there.

Black Jokes
what do you call 1,000 black people at the bottom of the ocean?
a good start

What is the difference between a black man and bike?
a bike doesn't sing old man river when you put a chain on it.

how do you get a black person out of a tree?
cut the rope

One day a man was driving on the highway and he saw a black hitchhiker. He swerved over and hit him. A few miles down the road, he saw another. He swerved over and hit him too. A few more miles and he saw a priest hitchhiking. He figured that he batter give him a ride so he wont go to hell. As he is driving with the priest, he sees another black person on the side of the road. He doesn't want to hit him with the priest in the car. He figures that if he pretnds to fall asleep, he can swerve over and get him. He closes his eyes and starts drifting over. He hears a TINK, CLUNK. He wakes up and asks the priest,"What was that?" The priest says,"you almost missed that nigger, so I opened my door and got him."

The only thing more suspicious than a black man running is a black man tippy-toeing. (Dave Chappelle)

I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass, I can see old ladies on the phone. They've already dialed 9-1-1 and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock)

One day a young black boy was standing on the corner with a mouse in his hand. He said to the mouse, "I'm gonna cut your ears off. No, better yet, I'm gonna cut your tail off." Just then a cop puts his hand on the boys shoulder, spins him around and says, "Boy whatever you do to that mouse, I'm gonna do to you." The boy thought about it for a second and said,"Mouse, this is your lucky day. I'm gonna kiss your ass."

God gives a small black boy a pair of wings. "Lord am i an angel?" asks the black boy. God looks down at the black boy and says, "No niga you a bat!!!"

What do the KKK and Nike have in common?
They both make black people run faster.

There's a guy in the grand canyon... he meets a merchant that sells antiques and he sees a rabbit statue. He buys it. He's driving along and he hears a sound from behind him, he looks behind him and sees a rabbit following him. He thinks nothing of it. 10 minutes later he looks back only to see 200 rabbits following him. He thinks, "That's weird..." Another 10 minutes later he looks back and sees another 5000 rabbits. He starts thinking that the rabbits are following the statue. He stops his car, gets out, and throws the statue off of the cliff and into the canyon. He drives back to the merchant and asks, "Do you have a statue of a black person?"

A white guy walks into a bar. The bartender happens to be black and the white guy goes up to him and says, "Hey, nigger, get me a beer!" The black guy says, "Hey, I don't like you calling me names." The white guy says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'll try to remember that." He comes back and says, "Hey, nigger, get me another beer!!" The bartender says, "I thought I told you not to call me names. How would you like it if we switched places, and I came in here and started calling you names?" The white guy says, "Ok, let's try that out." So they switch places. The bartender come up to the white guy and says, "Hey, honkey!! Get me a beer!!" The white guy says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve niggers."

What do you call Mike Tyson in prison?
-Nigger, nigger, nigger!!!

Blonde Jokes

Crazyeraser — Sat, 03 May 2008 22:36:05 CDT

Once a blonde was putting a boat in the water by backing it in with a trailer (thats how ur supposed to do it). She got in and tried to turnn on the boat, and it didn't work. She asked a man for help and he said "You have to take the boat off of the trailer!"

Lol true story! Go to www.zeecomedians.wetpaint.com plz plz plz plz plz plz plz plz!!!!!!!!!!

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There was a Burnet, jumping across a railroad track and saying 22, 22,22,22 and a blonde comes along and says "o that looks like fun" Then a train comes along and the Burnet jumps off at the last second the Blonde doesn't. So the Burnet gets back on and says 23, 23,23, 23

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you...?
Take the pin out and throw it back
lol
theia

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One blond went to a best buy and asked for a TV and the man said that I don't serve blonds.

So she went home and changed her hair to Red she went back and the man said I don't serve blonds and then she went back home a changed her hair to black. She went back but to a new man and she asked for a TV but then the man said i don't sever blonds. The blond was mad and asked the man how do you know I was a blond because you are asking for a TV and you are looking at microwaves!

LoL! pinkcat
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A blond went to a car repair store and asked for a front brake-light and the check-out-man said, " oh yeah! and would you like a free "car cam" to stick on your car so when you drive you can see behind you" the blond said, " how much will that cost" (even though he said it was free) and the man said "i was being sarcastic" . Then he said there is no such thing as a front brake-light then the blond said... " oh i get it! your being sarcastic!" The manager kicked her out the store and she yelled loud enough so everyone can hear.. " OKAY! i don't want to play the sarcastic game anymore!"

- there is no such thing as a front brake-light
- he wasn't playing the sarcastic game
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A blond was playing soccer and was hogging the soccer ball. she made the team go 6 points down because she wouldn't share the ball. When it was half-time and they were on their brake her coach told her that there was no " i " in team. She said.... OH! next thing you are gonna tell me that there is no " y " in fire!!!
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A blond went to a glove department and yelled out loud " I HEARD THAT THIS PLACE GIVES AWAY FREE GLOVES!" then she said " I WANT PINK ONES !"
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A blond went to Lowe's to buy a swimming suit. When she found out that there wasn't any there she went to the Home Depot and she couldn't find any there. She went to Pick n' Save and still couldn't find any. They suggested to go to Sears and she said " like i am gonna go to a place where they sell movies to find a swimming suit!" " you must think I am stupid".

there were three girls a blonde a brunet and a red head and they went to a cliff to hang out. when they got there a wizard appered and said when you jump off this cliff you say somthing and you will turn into what you say. the brunet jumps and says bird and she turns into a bird and flys away. the red head goes and said fish so she turned into a fish and swims away.The blonde wasn't paying attention and triped and was falling so she said oh shit! so she turned into a pile of poop.

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Politics & History Jokes

Wild-Kat — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:19:39 CDT

Click EasyEdit to add your favorite general political jokes below, or click on the appropriate page to add jokes about favorite Presidential candidates or other political personalities.

Bill Clinton Jokes

Hillary Clinton Jokes

Barack Obama Jokes

John McCain Jokes

Al Gore Jokes

George W. Bush Jokes

General Political Jokes

Put a federal agency in charge of the Sahara Desert and it would run out of sand. (Peggy Noonan)

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In response to Stephen Douglass calling him two-faced, Abraham Lincoln quipped, "If I had another face, do you think I'd wear this one."

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I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

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At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said, "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you." He replied: "You lose." (Unknown)

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A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madame, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober." (Unknown)

Lady Astor, first woman member of the House of Commons, pouring coffee to Winston Churchill: "Winston, if I were your wife, I’d put poison in your coffee." "Nancy," Churchill replied, "if I were your husband, I’d drink it."

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The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. (Paula Poundstone)

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If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)

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It was election time and the politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya Hoya". The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet. "I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!" After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

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Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies. A committee staff from the top level of participating nations would, of course, administer the program. In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter. There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written as 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

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George W. Bush Jokes

Wild-Kat — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:16:24 CDT

Click EasyEdit to add your George W. Bush jokes, cartoons, or videos to the list!

George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.

"You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.

Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.

"You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.

"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

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"Of course you know, President Bush has been taking a couple days off this week to prepare for the debates. In fact, he's having a microchip implanted in his ear. This will allow Dick Cheney to speak to him directly. 'It's pronounced 'Fallujah' 'Abu Ghraib.'" --Jay Leno

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Al Gore Jokes

Wild-Kat — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 16:21:29 CDT

Click EasyEdit to add your Al Gore jokes, cartoons or videos here!

Al Gore is so dull that his secret service code name is "Al Gore".

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"Al Gore told Congress that global warming shouldn't be a political issue, it should be a moral issue. And Congress went, 'A moral issue? What's that?'" --Jay Leno

John McCain Jokes

Wild-Kat — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 16:14:16 CDT

Click EasyEdit to add your John McCain jokes, cartoons or videos here!

"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman

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Animal Jokes

Wild-Kat — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 18:25:52 CDT

Click EasyEdit to add your own animal jokes. New jokes go on top!

The Frozen Parrot

A man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear like a sailor.

On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried reasoning with it. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of curse words.

On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said:

"I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language. It won't happen again. But, could I just ask......what did the chicken do?" funnyr.com

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After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? (Steven Wright)

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One day a guy wants to go hunting but he has never hunted before so he goes to his local gun store and the store clerk suggests a 30/30 good all around with a little power. So the man buys the rifle and goes hunting the next weekend. He is sitting in his stand when he sees a bear. He aims and fires and sees the bear go down. When he gets to the spot the bear is nowhere to be seen. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and its the bear who gives him 2 options: he could eat him or he can let the bear have sex with him. Well the guy didnt want to die so he sighs and bends over and lets the bear do his thing. After it is all done the man swears revenge. He goes to the gun store and buys the most powerful and accurate gun they have. Next weekend he is sitting in his stand and he sees the bear. He takes aim slowly, shoots and sees the bear go down. He goes to the spot and once agian the bear is not there. He feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around. It is the bear agian. The bear looks at him and Says, "You're not here to hunt are you." (Armyprvt)

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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.” (Unknown)

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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. “But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die." (Unknown)

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Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. (Jack Handey)

* * * *

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?" (Unknown) Wowo....

* * * *

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)

* * * *

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?" (Unknown)

* * * *

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashana and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple's cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!" (Unknown)

* * * *

Animals may be our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport. (Bobcat Goldthwait)

* * * *

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)

* * * *

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields)

* * * *

They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)

* * * *

The Jewish talking dog joke is so long it's on its own page. Click the link to read.

* * * *

An elephant was taking a cool shower in a swimming poo. A rat came and asked the elephant to get out of the pool. As the elephant came out, the rat said, "okay you can go back in." The elephant got annoyed and asked the rat what that was all about. "I just wanted to see if you were wearing your swimming trunk."

* * * *

One day at the zoo two snake's met and one asked the other:
"Are we poisonous?"
"Why do you ask?"
"I bit my lip!"

* * * *

An elephant asks a camel:
"Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face."

* * * *

An English Duck called One-Two Three and a French Duck called Un-Du-Twa have a race over the Channel, which one wins?
One-Two-Three because Un-Du-Twa cat sank.

Back to home page for more jokes >>

Bill Clinton Jokes

Wild-Kat — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 15:00:35 CDT

Click EasyEdit to add your Bill Clinton jokes or cartoons to the list!

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."

--------------------------

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read: "Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Love, Tommy

-----------------------------

Barack Obama Jokes

Wild-Kat — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 17:13:47 CDT

Click EasyEdit to add your Barack Obama jokes, cartoons or videos here!

Over the weekend, Senator Barack Obama visited New Hampshire and thousands of people showed up to hear him speak. The New Hampshire crowds were excited, because apparently, this is the first time they've ever seen an African-American." --Conan O'Brien ---------------------------

Hillary Clinton Jokes

Wild-Kat — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 16:41:38 CDT

Click EasyEdit to add your Hillary Clinton jokes or cartoons to the list!

Hillary in Heaven

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." "Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

---------------------------------

Add a new joke here!

Sexist Jokes About Women

alltubetone — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 16:00:39 CDT

<Sexist Jokes

Female Sexist Joke Forum

Sign into this wiki and click EasyEdit to add your favorite female sexist jokes. Yo' mama's not watching, so why not? If you want get your sexist battle on, read sexist jokes about men for inspiration.

Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? made the chain too long.

A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says "what seems to be the problem officer?" the cop looks bluntly at him and says "are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?" the man let out a sigh "thank fuck for that i thought i had gone deaf!"

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Why dont women have a penis?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
(Adam Ferrara)

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

If your dog is barking at the back door and Danielle Cardella is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.

Woman inspires us to great things...and prevents us from achieving them. (Dumas)

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.

Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, shes already been told twice.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark!

Women are cute and cuddly - every man should own one.

How are women and high school phone policies similar?
Because they can be seen but not heard

Why do women live longer than men?
Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.

How do you get a woman dizzy?

Put her in a circular room and tell her to go to a corner.

A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

dead baby jokes

Windupferrari — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:28:30 CDT

Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.

Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: The same baby three weeks later.

Q: What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
A: Floaties with a slashed baby.

Q: What's red and sits in a highchair convulsing?
A: A baby eating razor-blades

Q: What is red and white and squirms in the corner?
A: Dead Baby playing with razor blades.

Q: What is red, white and green and sits in a corner?
A: Same baby 3 weeks later.

Q: What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A: A baby playing in a plastic bag.

Q: What's blue and sits in the corner?
A1: Baby in a cellophane bag.

Q: What is green and sits in the corner?
A: Same dead baby two weeks later!

----------

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: One glass of Root Beer and two scoops of baby.
(If on a diet use only one scoop)
A2: Add 8 ounces of Pepsi with 2 scoops of dead baby.
A3: Take your foot off its head.

Q: And where did you get these babies?
A: Abortion Clinic.

----------

Q: What is black and bubbly and taps on glass before it explodes?
A: A baby in the microwave.

Q: What is black and bubbly and taps on glass every ten seconds?
A: Dead baby in a carousel microwave!

Q: What's blue and knocks on glass?
A: A baby in a fishtank

----------

Q: What is charred black and smells really bad?
A1: A baby chewing on an extension cord.
A2: A baby in the fireplace.

----------

Q: What's red and hangs four feet off the floor?
A: Dead baby on a meathook.

----------

Q: How do you know when an elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!

Q: What do elephants use for ben-wa balls?
A: Dead babies.

----------

Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.

Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was stapled to the koala.

Q: Why did the tree fall over?
A: The koala never let go.

Q: Why did the kangaroo die?
A: Because the koala landed on it.

----------

Q: How do you get a baby out of a tree?
A: You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a penata!

----------

Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman on a children's playground!

----------

Q: What is more fun than stapling dead babies to the wall?
A: Pulling them off.

Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
A: Ripping it back off.

----------

Q: What's red and chunky and travels, in a circle, at 190 mph ?
A: A baby in a blender

Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
A: So you can see the expression on its face!

Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender face first?
A: So you can see it's feet pulling up into tiny little fists!

Q: How do you get 10 dead babies into a tupperware bowl?
A: Use a blender

Q: How do you get it out?
A1: With a straw!
A2: Doritos

----------

Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can.

Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans.

Q: What's worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid?
A: A trashcan lid in a dead baby.

----------

Q: What do you do with 4 dead babies and a sheet of glass?
A: Make a coffee table.

----------

Q: What is easier to unload, a truck full of Dead Babies or a truck full
of bowling balls?
A: Dead Babies, you can use a pitchfork

Q: What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck
load of bricks?
A: You can't use a pitchfork on bricks.

Q: What's the difference between a barrel of water and a barrel of babies?
A: You can't shovel water with a pitchfork.

Q: How do you load 100 screaming babies onto a truck?
A: A pitchfork.

Q: How do you unload a truck full of babies?
A: With a pitchfork.

Q: Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
A: So you can tell which ones are still alive.

Q: How do you know when you hit a live one?
A: The pitchfork shakes

Q: How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
A: Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.

Q: What is worse than a pile of dead babies?
A: At the bottom of the pile, there was one trying to eat its way out

Q: What is worse than that?
A: It made it

Q: What is worse than that?
A: It went back for seconds!

----------

Q. Whats more fun that spinning a baby on clothes line?
A. Stopping it with a shovel.

Q: What's more fun that spinning a baby on a clothesline at 100MPH?
A: Stopping it with a cricket bat

----------

Q: What is worse than running a baby over with a car?
A: Getting it out of the tires.

----------

Q: How is a baby like a grape?
A: They both give a little wine when you squish them.

----------

Q: What's small, red, and can't turn around in corridors?
A: A baby with a javelin through its head.

Q: How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
A: Stick a javelin through it's head.

Q: What's small, red and can't get into elevators?
A: A baby with a javelin in it's head.

----------

Q: What is pink, and with the flick of a switch, goes black?
A: A baby playing with a powerpoint.

----------

Q: What's black and furry and crawls across New South Wales?
A: A baby covered in Funnel-Web spiders.

----------

Q: What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A: A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.

----------

Q: What get shorter and shorter and redder and redder?
A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.

Q: Whats red and white and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

----------

Q: What's the proper gift for a dead baby?
A: A dead puppy.

----------

Q: What is red and crawls up your leg?
A: A homesick abortion!

----------

Q: What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A: A baby with forks in its eyes.

----------

Q: What is red and hangs around in trees?
A: A baby that was hit by a snow blower.

Q: What's red and white and is spread all over the lawn?
A: A baby run over by a lawn mower.

Q: What's red, white and green and is spread all over the lawn?
A: Same baby, two months later.

----------

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile high enough to reach the light bulb with.

----------

Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
A: Ripping it back off.

----------

Q: What's pink and spits?
A: A baby in a frying pan.

----------

Q: What is bright blue, pink, and sizzles.
A: A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet.

----------

Q: What is pink and red and gurgles?
A: A baby munching on razor blades.

----------

Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
A: Twins in an acid bath.

----------

Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little
baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at
you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes?
A: Gouge its eyes out.

----------

Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
A: Because you get a womb with a view.

----------

Q: What is a sure way to stop a baby from crying?
A: With an axe.

----------

Q: What's better than tying babies to your bumper and crashing?
A: Tying them to your tires and skidding.

----------

Q: Why does the husband always bring boiling water at a birth?
A: In case the baby dies, he can make soup.

----------

Q : Whats the worst thing a blind, deaf baby can get for Christmas ?
A : Cancer

----------

Q: What do vegetarian dingos eat?
A: Cabbage patch kids.

----------

Q: What do you call a baby on a stick?
A: A Kebabie.

Q: What do you call a baby on a stick with no kidneys?
A: Doner Kebabie.

Q: What did the mother say to the baby on a stick that was crying?
A: "Shush, Kebabie!"

----------

Q: What is the definition of revenge?
A: A baby with a dingo in its mouth.

----------

Q: What's the difference between a baby and a bagel?
A: You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven.

Q. What is brown and keeps it's juices in?
A. A baby in an oven bag.

----------

Q: How do you spoil a baby?
A: Leave it out in the sun.

----------

Q: Why did the shark fisherman stop at the abortion clinic?
A: Dead babies make the best chum.

----------

Q: What's charred black and smells really bad?
A: A baby playing with a blow torch.

----------

Q. What was the baby doing on the wall?
A. Playing darts. It was the board.

Q. Why was the baby pinned to the wall?
A. We could not find the dart board

----------

Q. What was the baby doing on the table?
A. Lying on its tummy. It was the pin cushion.

----------

Q: What is 18" long, cold and stiff, and makes a woman scream in the morning?
A: Crib death.

----------

Q: What's worse (or more fun) than a dead baby in art class?
A: Pinning it up on the bulletin board.

----------

Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
A: Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.

----------

Q: What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of placenta?
A: You can't gargle gravel.

----------

Q: What's more fun than a barrel of dead babies?
A: Sticking pins in their eyes.

----------

Q: Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones
A: Because they're hand made

----------

Q: What's the difference between a baby and a tire?
A: You can't eat a tire.

----------

Did you know that it takes five babies to make just one bottle of baby oil?

----------

A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense
12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.

Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked
the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy ....

SUDDENLY the nurse THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up
against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times
and THROWS it against the wall....

Well, just bewildered, the woman gives out a loud SHREEEK and
hollers MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY ??????

The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says...
He was ALREADY DEAD !!!!!!!!!!

or

A woman is lying in her hospital bed after an intense
12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.

When the baby is born, the nurse looks at the mother and says
with a sad voice I am sorry, but your baby is stillborn.

MAD with sorrow the mother THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up
against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times
and THROWS it against the wall....

The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says...
He wasn't DEAD !!!!!!!!!!

How many babies does it take to paint a room?
It depends on how hard you throw them.

Sports Jokes

Windupferrari — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 17:49:45 CDT

Click EasyEdit to add your favorite sports jokes.
Linford Christie walks into a Golf Club and asks if he can play a round of golf. The club captain says "sorry no blacks are allowed on this golf course" So he runs to the next golf course and again he asks if he can play a round of golf the
club captain says "sorry no blacks are allowed on this golf course" So he runs to the next golf course and again he asks if he can play a round of golf and the club captain says "no chance, try the parkland golf course its only ten minutes down the road. Linford looks at him and says "do you know who I am" and the club captain says "you look familiar but I cant put a name to the face" Linford says "I'm Linford Christie"! And the club captain replies "well in that case it's only five minutes down the road"
Paul Weston
www.igotajoke4u.co.uk

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)

In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (George Carlin)

There's always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says, "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I'd fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)

Mario Andretti has retired from racecar driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (John Stewart)

Horse racing... now here's something idiotic. I have no idea which horse is gonna win. I don't even think the horses know they're racing. It's not like they're going back to the barn going "I was first" "I was second"...you cut me off there, watch that, next time I'll kick your ass." I'll tell you one thing the horses don't know--that if they fall and break their leg, we're gonna blow their brains out. I think they're missing that vital piece of information... if they did know, you'd see some mighty careful stepping going down that backstretch. (Jerry Seinfeld)

The Olympics is really my favorite sporting event. Although I think I have a problem with that silver medal. 'Cause when you think about it, you win the gold-you feel good, you win the bronze-you think "Well at least I got something." But when you win that silver it's like "Congratulations, you ‘almost’ won. Of all the losers, you came in first of that group. You're the number one ‘loser.’ No one lost ahead of you!" (Jerry Seinfeld)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!"
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A priest is playing golf with a nun. On the first hole, he lines up his putt, swings, and misses the hole. "Shit, I missed," he yells.

The nun is shocked, but she thinks "maybe it was an accident" and they keep playing.

On the next hole, the priest lines up his putt, swings, and misses again. "Shit, I missed," he yells again. This time, the nun is starting to get concerned, but she knows the priest is a good man, so they keep on playing.

On the third hole, the priest once again lines up putt, swings, and misses. "Shit, I missed," he yelled for the third time. This time, the nun says, "I worried about you father, I think you should stop saying that." The priest just grumbles and keeps playing.

On the fourth hole, the priest lines up his putt, swings, and misses again. As he yells "shit, I missed," a liightning bolt strikes down the nun.

The clouds part, and a voice says, "shit, I missed."

Jokes by Famous Comedians

Wild-Kat — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 21:09:53 CDT

Look for your favorite comedian's page and add your favorite jokes!

If your favorite comic isn't here, select the Add Page button and start a new page now!

Chris Rock	David Letterman	Dennis Miller
George Burns	George Carlin	Gilbert Gottfried
Henny Youngman	Jack Handey	Jerry Seinfeld
Johnny Carson	Jon Stewart	Rita Rudner
Rodney Dangerfield	Steven Wright	*Don't see your favorite comedian?* Create a page by clicking the Add Page button. Don't forget to add a link back on this page!

School jokes

soccerfanatic15 — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 18:15:42 CDT

Why were there only 18 letters left in the alphabet? Because E.T. flew off in a U.F.O. and the C.I.S. chased after him.

Why did the chicken cross the road????
*to get to the other side!!!!!! he he he!!!......nevermind

Why did the farmer cross the road?
*to catch his chicken!!!!!!!!!!!ha ha ha ha !!!!......screw u!

Why did the cow cross the road???
*because it was the chicken's day off!!! ha ha ha!!!......sweet!

Lawyer Jokes

soccerfanatic15 — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 18:39:15 CDT

Click EasyEdit to add your favorite lawyer jokes.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55." "Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're 82." "How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, "We added up your time sheets." (Unknown)

A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That's awfully steep, isn't it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what's your final question?" (Unknown)

What do you call 5,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start. (Unknown)

What do you call a group of skydiving lawyers? Skeet. (Unknown)

Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. (Unknown)

------------------------------------

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to the electric chair."

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A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi are marooned on a desert island surrounded by man-eating sharks. After a while their food and water run out and they are in danger of death.

Just then an otherwise empty rowboat containing a large barrel of water comes floating by. The three castaways are in agony - they must have the water, but to swim through the hungry sharks is certain death.

The lawyer says he will try it - the others beg him not to, saying "It's hopeless".

The lawyer swims out to the boat, grasps the painter rope in his teeth and tows it back to shore.

The sharks completely ignore him. When he gets back to shore they all begin talking at once:

PRIEST: It's a miracle! It's a miracle!.
LAWYER: That was no miracle.
RABBI: Well, what do you call it?
LAWYER: Where I come from, we call that "professional courtesy".

An contractor dies. At heavens door he is told that he shouldn't be there and that he will be sent to hell. Then when in hell Satan askes what the man can do for him. In a few years there is indoor plumbing, insulation, airconditioning and much more. St. peter asks calls satan to see what its like down there. Satan says its great now that we have your contractor. St. peter replies"you can't do that I'll sue!". Satan replies "o yea? where u gonna get a lawyer?"