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There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy on the streets? (Dick Cavett)

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said, "Can I help you?" and he said, "No, I'm just looking." (George Miller)


Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says. (Unknown)

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)


At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything. (George Wallace)


Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they'd say, "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That's now escalated into "You take care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram." (Rita Rudner)


I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks, “Are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner)


Last year I deducted 10,697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, "Don't ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand." (Dick Gregory)


Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions." (Woody Allen)


Jack Benny is walking down the street when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says, "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally Benny says, "I'm thinking!" (Unknown)