Born September 17, 1956, Rudner got her start on The Tonight Show.



As you get older, the birthday cards you receive get meaner. The closer the person is to you, it seems the meaner they are. Last year I received a card with a rotting corpse on the front and inside it read,"At least she can still attract flys!" Love Mom.

After you've dated someone, it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

I was asking my friend who has children, "What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and it grows up to hate me? And it blames everything wrong with its life on me?" And she said, "What do you mean, 'If'?"

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they'd say, "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That's now escalated into "You take care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."


I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.