Mitch Hedberg (February 24, 1968 - March 29, 2005) was a stand-up comedian who based most of his jokes on absurd observations about the world around him. Known for his slacker/stoner delivery and ability to make the mundane seem insane, he is an example of a comedian who never quite hit mainstream success, but has huge influence over other comic works.
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My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience." We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "F**k it. Cut 'em up! We can play tennis later."

I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.

They say that the recipie for sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, and there's more to it than that. "You want some more home made sprite?" "Not until you figure out what the f**k else is in it!"