Born March 16, 1906, in Liverpool, England; died February 24, 1998. The "King of the One Liners" was a comedian and violinist.


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A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"


I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.


A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."

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