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Best Dane Cook Jokes
here's one...
OBBY
we always have creepy people around, a creepy individual, and it starts off when we're young-ins; when we're young-ins there's a creepy person. back in school, back in the day which by the way i don't know if you knew this, was a Wednesday , thats a little fun fact . yeah when you refer to back in the day its a Wednesday. take that home, chew it, its delicious. back when we were tots there was always that one kid in school, that one kid in class, that smelt like piss. right, Robby was his name, Robby or Obby, he was an Obby name. and Obby didn't just smell like a hint of piss, he didnt smell like a smidgen of piss, that kid smelt like he was dipped in a vat of piss, like he woke up in the morning and said WOOOO Bring on the Piss! and someone brought on the piss. i dont know who'd bring piss on but you can pretty much hire anyone on google these days. just type in piss painters or something im sure somebody will come over and coat you down with a sheet off piss for a reasonable price. he would steal from the class, he was a fucking thief, A FUCKING stealing theif. he would use his piss vapour to deter you away from watching him STEAL SHIT from the class, cause hes a thief, a clepto thief, Obby. he would always take my favorite markers; those smelly markers, member those? the teacher would put them out and everyone would freak..GIVE ME THE RED ONE, GIVE ME THE RED ONE! (smells) hah (smells) smells like cherries, i guarantee you, this is like cherries but its a marker . gimme the brown one, I'll trade ya(smells). CINNAMON, this ones cinnamon, the brown is cinnamon! (smells) how do they do this, how do they do this?? but the black one always smelt like an asshole, didnt it? you grab the black one (smells) what is that!? (smells) that is a bag of asses (smells) im keepin this, this ones mine (smells) i cant stop guys, i cant! (smells) I just saw jesus` eyes! this marker has shown me jesus` eyes. and even though this marker smelt like an asshole AND you just saw jesus` eyes, there was still a kid following you around . can i smell?can i smell...what does it smell...i didnt geta..(whines)...can i ....(whines) and then he would aggravate you until you were like here, fine, smell it and when he leaned in you go AAAAIIIIII ha ha ha ha nice face! (smells) im going to go puke blood...what are you?...WHAT ARE YOU ?
STRUCK BY A VEHICLE
three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. i finally got to see something ive always wanted to witness live. i finally saw soemone get hit by a car. Nailed. they guy got hit right in the hip, thats youre center of gravity that can send you flipping through the air like eddy gordo from tekken when you dont know how to do combos and theyre just hitting the buttons randomly. i always just miss it right. im looking then i go to order my twisty cone and PPFFTT WHAT ohhh what happened?! the guy got hit?? noo:( i just went to order my twisty cone and i missed it. This guy gets nailed. this is the set up, hes walking down the street and hes doing that wacky speed walk, hes got the buds in his ears and i dont know what youre listening to that makes you do that fucking walk, just a tambourine or maracas?, youre just chhiccckacchhuckkachhuckkachuuckkka. so johnny tambourine is walking down the street. hes got the not a good time to cross signal. as hes going across i see the car VVVVRRRRTT coming down the street and when i see the car coming im like YYESSS. finally, dont talk to me. dont talk to me, ive got to see this. PPFFTT. this guy goes flying into the air, his shoes fly off! when you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off; sometimes your pants will come off. but i was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion on this strike. and before i go any further, heres the best part, this is how he lands on the other side of the car, which was a dodge by the way, and i thought that that was kindof funny and ironic. i got a little humour out of that. i did try to help this man. as the car was coming towards him, i reached out and i said EEUUUUUHH, EEUUUUUUHH, thats all i could think of to say. there are so many things now in retrospect that that i would have loved to have been like YOURE ABOUT TO GET STRUCK BY A VEHICLE. i did not have time to say youre about to get struck by a vehicle. so i went with EEUUUUHH. which is like a concerned moan. that guy gets tagged, okay, the greatest part of the story: hes in the air, flipping around, and this is how he lands on the other side of the car. he comes down perfectly on his feet! then he jumps in the air. and he starts walking around Embarassed. hes trying to play it off like he just didnt get hit by a car !. people around him are like OH MY GOD, ARE YOU ALRIGHT, ARE YOU ALRIGHT ?ARE YOU OKAY ? and hes like im fine, im fine, serious, im fine, im a little bit hungry but uhhh other than that im...No you should Really sit down youre bleeding from the ears. i know, i know that, i do that. every couple of weeks i empty the blood out of my own head, itss..tradition in my family. has anyone seen my shoes? i kicked them off in a fit of joy. i love getting struck by vehicles and sometimes i'll kick my.. shoes off in a fit of joy, im fine im just gunna go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.
HEAD
they always want head. we love it. we always have to watch right. right if you have a lot of hair we fucking turn into Vidal Sassoon all of a sudden. we got like scrunchies and banana clips comin out of no where. hairspray. good. good. good. front row seats. i like that with the lips, the thing youre doing with the lips is good. you know whats so weird, why does this happen ...this is a weird thing....phenomena. alright sometimes guys, youre having sex right, and everythings going great, everythings you know..nnnnneeeeaaaauu.right when all of a sudden theres a voice that comes into our brains and starts telling us to say shit. like yeah say that, say that, its perfect . say that right now, right.so youre like yeah fucking say that and you just grab her hair and you whisper eeeyeaa. and you dont think about it you just say it . yeaaa fucking s-say things. you heat what i say? you like that huh? right, but yeah you say things but sometimes you say some shit and then you think about it like 2 hours later and youre like what the fuck was i talking about ?! and you get all embarrassed, like i was with this girl recently right, and i was just totally in the zone right and out of nowhere i was like ohhhh yeaaaaa my dick feels like corn. .......sounded good at the time. she didnt even miss a beat she was like gimme the butter baby, gimme the butter. come on Orville red n boker ,pop that pussy.......we should just have an orgy right here right now, lets just fucking turn off the lights and everybody just feeeeeeel around .lets just turn off the lights and play a game called whos in my mouth. (audience member cries careful) did you just say careful? what are you, like my lifeguard? careful, careful dane. what, are you spotting my jokes? careful......careful.
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